Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
