remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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