yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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