if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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