I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
