dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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