Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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