The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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