fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
