Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
