This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
