My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
