i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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