He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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