Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
