I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
