The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I AM VODKA MAN
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
