He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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