What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
