Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
