Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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