i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
