Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
