I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
