I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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