don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
