70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
