Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
