i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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