I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
