just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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