Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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