If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
