i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize