Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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