Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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