I heard we made out
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
