Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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