I heard we made out
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
