his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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