She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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