Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
