i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
