I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
