Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
