If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
