dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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