She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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