You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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