Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Someone came in the potted fern
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
