just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
