the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
