She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
