My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
