Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize