I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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