Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
