So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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