In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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