I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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