Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
