i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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