As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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