All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
