but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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