I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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