Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
