I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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